Foaming Head - The Verdict
So it came to pass at 2pm on Saturday November 26th 2005 - The Stout Was Opened:
The Stout, having just been openedI'm more surprised than anyone that it has turned out fantastically well, especially considering most of the kit has been lying around gathering dust and dead spiders for the past 15 years.
It tastes just like stout and looks just like stout and turns your shit black just like stout. All for around 25 pence (and a bit of elbow grease) per pint.
Stout, note the stout-like colour and head
In summary, I can recommend this hobby to anyone without a yeast infection. Especially if they want to get pissed on the cheap.
Google is morally degenerate
I wanted to find out how long it takes to cook the nice bit of organically raised beef recently obtained from the Farmer's Market*.
Google thinks I should go out and do something less boring instead:
Perverts.
* Yes, what a hippy... Whatever you say.
Some Questionnaire thing
I wouldn't normally do this kind of thing (but
Larry did it first). I like the results though - apparently, I am a...
Haymaker
You are one of life’s enjoyers, determined to get the most you can out of your brief spell on Earth. Probably what first attracted you to atheism was the prospect of liberation from the Ten Commandments, few of which are compatible with a life of pleasure. You play hard and work quite hard, have a strong sense of loyalty and a relaxed but consistent approach to your philosophy.
Yep, I'm with this so far. I'm almost flattered.
You can’t see the point of abstract principles and probably wouldn’t lay down your life for a concept though you might for a friend. Something of a champagne humanist, you admire George Bernard Shaw for his cheerful agnosticism and pursuit of sensual rewards and your Hollywood hero is Marlon Brando, who was beautiful, irascible and aimed for goodness in his own tortured way.
Never read any George Bernard Shaw. In fact, I know shit all about him at all (
see below). For champagne, substitute Stella. As for Brando, well, I prefer DeNiro - hardly the same at all. Overall though, still close enough.
Now we get onto the good stuff.
Sometimes you might be tempted to allow your own pleasures to take precedence over your ethics.
Yeah, fair enough.
But everyone is striving for that elusive balance between the good and the happy life. You’d probably open another bottle and say there’s no contest.
Yeah, fucking right. This is the best
online question thing I've ever done!
So, George Bernard Shaw. Apparently (and I looked this up [1]) he's remembered cheifly for his superhuman sacrifice for the sake of an epigram:
Lady Asquith: "Mr Shaw, you and I should make love - with my looks and your brains we'd have great children."
Shaw: "Aha, but what if it had my looks and your brains?"
At which point Shaw retired to the garden to exclaim "I've just blown out a definite shag! What a stupid fucking wanker!"
[1] Baddiel, D Newman, R (1991, back when they were funny and that cunt Skinner hadn't yet shown up) The Mary Whitehouse Experience Encyclopedia, Fourth Estate Limited
Cow Orking Is Not A Crime
Although the parents get a bit funny if you
do it to their calves.
Virgin Wines: Marketing Geniuses
I got this email from them last week:
Here's a £30 voucher for you to spend before Monday. Now any chance you could you do us a favour?
[snip]
In return, we'd really appreciate your feedback on what we're doing right, and more importantly, wrong...
Now let me think... How about some more of these £30 off vouchers, for starters?
Anyway, the wine just arrived. Night night.
Foaming Head (Update)
It's been a great day in the world of home brewing.
The mixture, complete with ring of yeasty scum.
The beer mixture finished fermenting at a final gravity of 1.006. Subtract that from the original gravity of roughly 1.043 and divide by a magic number and you find this stuff has around 5% alcohol by volume.
Siphoning into the barrel
This was the fun bit - I managed to cop a mouthful of the stuff while getting the siphon going. By some miracle, it tasted a bit like stout. Flat warm stout, but stout nonetheless, not vinegar. Which is what I was expecting.
Adding the sugar solution for secondary fermentationThe remaining yeast in the beer turns this extra sugar into carbon dioxide and, as a total bonus, another 0.2% alcohol, bringing our total up to a robust
5.2% Alcohol by Volume. No messing about here.
Fucking clever stuff, yeast. Where would we be without it? Sober and eating cake, probably.
Some leftover yeast stuff, today
So, next Friday then...
Album Review: You Always Hurt the One You Love by Clarence 'Frogman' Henry
Christ only knows what it sounds like, because I certainly don't. But isn't that the best cover, ever? It's just so ambiguous: Has despairing man hurt Sybil Fawlty there? Or is she hurting him? Is the hurt physical or emotional? Where does the Mysterious Third Man come into it? Is he her Dad? Did Sybil break up Despairing and Mysterious' beautiful but forbidden relationship?
The possibilities are endless. Suggestions welcome in the comments box...
Foaming head
Look at that! Isn't it a beauty?
Don't worry - it's not a picture of my excrement. Not yet anyway. No, it's my
Coopers Stout home brew, fermenting like a bastard. If you put your ear to the barrel, you can almost hear the little yeasts shrieking with joy as they run around converting the sugar to alcohol. While all the time reproducing. What an ace job they've got!
The next stage (which I estimate will be tomorrow or Thursday) will be putting the stuff in a barrel then leaving it for
at least a week. That's going to be the really difficult bit.
Dreadful taste in music - FACT
I've just installed a (hopefully benign) bit of Spyware on my machine that will enable all you people (yes YOU people) to see what I've been listening to. I hope you're all excited!
Now rush off over to
my last.fm user page and start asking questions like 'Who?', 'What?' and 'Why?'.
Terminator X(-Factor) To The Edge Of Panic
Sad to see the lovely
Maria leave the X-Factor last night. But can you believe they got her to sing the Rolling Stones' Brown Sugar? I know Sharon Osborne must have, all things considered, a well-developed sense of humour - but that's ridiculous.
I'm looking forward to the celebrity version of the show - apparently they'll have Jennifer Lopez doing Fat Bottomed Girls (which will
definitely be worth seeing). Even better, the newspaper columnist Mad Mellie Phillips will be working her way through Public Enemy's greatest hits.
Album Review: Timeless by Goldie
Sounds dated.
(apologies to Hungbunny)
It's political correctness, GONE MAD!
He's right, you know.
Book Review: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams
I first read this book donkey's years ago – back when I was far to young to understand most of it, to be honest. But now I am older and wiser and I understand all about quantum physics and computers and that, so I thought I'd give it another try. I have to admit not much of it was very familiar, must have been skimming it first time in an attempt to appear well read. Kids, eh?
The Dirk Gently of the title is a private detective who specialises in seeing the bigger picture, to the extent that he doesn't really care about the thing he's supposed to be investigating. Not that it really matters as it's all really just an excuse for Douglas Adams to fit whatever was on his mind at the time into a completely ridiculous set of coincidences (not unlike a certain plot device in his earlier stories) in his characteristically entertaining Cambridge-educated Englishman who is a rather witty and observant writer kind of fashion.
You get the feeling Adams was describing his own interests here – not only are we treated to descriptions of his beloved Apple Macintoshes, but also a magazine essay about music and nature and, relatedly, a rather lovingly rendered list of samplers, synthesisers and sound modules. This not only boring if you're not interested in the history of electronic musical instruments, it also dates a book which could otherwise be set yesterday. This writing from knowledge continues with the appalling Islingtonism of the central characters - these are the people we've come to know and love from all those Richard Curtis films (not to mention the uber-Islingtonite we call Prime Minister). The men are bumbling and scatty and/or motor mouthed and the women are supernaturally witty even in the heat of an argument. You can almost hear Emma Thompson speaking some of the lines and let's face it, that's never good.
That aside, there's an enjoyable fantasy-cum-sci-fi-cum-comedy story here. Really clever stuff encompassing ghosts, time travel, computer software, generative music, alien civilisations and, well, pretty much everything the author could think of. So we hurtle through many twists and turns to an ending which sort of makes sense. I say sort of. So feeling a bit dim, but certain I hadn't missed anything, I looked it up on Google. This is where things gets eerie: I found this forum post from the 25th July 2000. Yup, that's the man himself putting his hands up and saying “I don't get it, either”. Then eleven months later, he was no more. Clearly, there are forces abroad of which we have all too little understanding.
In summary: Not bad, but could do without the smug middle-class-isms and Apple advertisments. 7/10.
It wouldn't happen here
I'm currently reading some American history*. It would seem that
Idlewild Airport (now New York JFK) was built on the site of Idlewild Golf course.
I had a double take at that.
Idlewild
Golf Course had an
Airport built over it. As I say, it wouldn't happen here. Fine, pave over the odd
village if need be (and by god we
needed to, naturally).
But a
Golf Course? What are these people - savages?
*Wiseguy by Nicholas Pileggi. That's all about history, isn't it?
Agony
If there's one thing worse than explosive diahoreah, it's indigestion. This is a short post, because I am in pain.
The Stout, having just been opened
Stout, note the stout-like colour and head
